Good Girl.....

I a good girl Mommy.  5 little words that caused me to stop dead in my tracks.  What one would think would make a heart melt, it made mine stone cold that cold fall morning.  As I looked at her, the expression on her big blue eyes told everything. Although not one of her features even to her toes resemble anything but her Father, her insides reek that Good Girl so many years ago. 

If I've learned anything through my struggles of adolescence and post partum it is this.  I have the good girl disease. The days aren't exhausting because of the task before me, they are exhausting because of the unending work within my soul.  The desire to please, the desire to be liked and the desire to be good.

That desire to be good, turned into an addiction to perfection.  Constantly urning to be more, do more which never really filled the holy holes in my soul.  A Mothers fear took over.  You know that fear that if the DNA I pass down of cancer, lack of comprehension or impatience wasn't enough.  Please Lord don't let me turn this little angel into a basket case like me.

So I did what every Mom would do.....I got out candy, I got out my brightest red lipstick and I said go to town.....Even though my daughter looked like a sugared up mass murderer that morning it somehow soothed my soul.  I never want her to think perfection is attainable or being good is something she must do for anyONE.  She must find a way to find that good enough that fills her soul to the finish line.

Motherhood has actually been highly therapeutic and more like shock therapy for my good girl disease.  Each and everyday over and over it reminds me how imperfect I am and no where good enough to do this job.  By the Grace of God I continue to learn and accept the word fail as more of love language then a curse.

To you good girls out there lets all raise our hands and repeat after me:

Grace makes me Good Enough.....Forgiveness makes me free and Love makes me whole.

 

 

 

He is Able......

I had one of the most exciting times of my life this weekend. I worshiped, prayed and sobbed with 6,000 women.  Sounds frightening to some... all that estrogen in one room.  To me it lifted some of the deepest baggage I have ever worn.  In three words "I'm not alone" freedom came and it came in a big way.

I looked around and saw so many different women.  Sizes, shapes, ethnicities crying out ME TOO!!!! Not just me too, that they too had so much baggage to bear, but also at the same time how many blessings has still been rained down upon them.  I'm not sure Hope could have escaped that stadium if it wanted to.

Priscilla Shirer, if you ever get to hear her please do, kept reciting a passage that if we never know our God or pick up the bible we can lay our hands on and believe.  It comes in the form of Ephesians 3:20 it states:

 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us.

I kept replaying those words.  Now- this moment.  Is able, to do not just more, immeasurably more. In our lives and guess what his power to do these things lives in us.

Girls let me tell you we all have a story.  We can all tell of his great Grace at some point in our lives or we surely will.  I can also tell you this its always more, always grand, always dynamic. More then our wants, prayers and dreams could ever take us.

Two times in my life that have been incredibly painful and I believed with all my heart he proved this to me.  When I lost the love of my life  two months before my wedding and when cancer proved it kinda liked me and diminished my chances at a young age to have children.

Not only did God reward me in double for those dark, desperate times of hurt in my life....he lavishly rewarded me in double.  I not only have faithful love in my life, our meeting was nothing mundane.  Atlanta Georgia, random introduction across the way, live 5 minutes away back home and a feeling in that first hug outside that stadium God said this is what it all was for.  He is good. He is from me.  My husband is a contstant reminder of God's immeasurable power.

Fast forward few years later. Not only did God take the hands of amazing surgeons to answer my prayers of delivering a child, I was rewarded the most perfect baby boy.  Then just to top off his grace and love he gave me another child nothing short of boring, guess what? Happens to be a baby girl. One of each for me to adore in his glory. Tell the world he seemed to scream. I have overcome it all and I will for you.

Girls he is able.  I'm not sure what you are facing today.  We all are facing something, but this I know keep praying, keep believing.  He can, He is able and when he does it will be immeasurably more then you could have ever imagined.  That I will promise you.

1,000 Reasons to Smile

"I love when you do that Mom! You know when you smile."

The words hit me like daggers today laying, snuggling with my 4 year old son.  The look of peace staring at me was eye opening.  He knew I was happy, he wanted me to be happy.  Was he on the fact that some days I'm anything but....you know Moms what I mean.  Those days when the monotony and carpool catches up and there is nothing you want more then a big break.

Wait! Did he not see the smiles I had when he comforted the crying baby, or made his first soccer goals?  When he spotted an american flag after school and rambled off 1-20 so perfect.  Or when he always gives Jesus praise for making him super fast or funny, so so funny. 

Is it the days I yell too much for picking on his sister.  Or not hurrying up, just like his Mama who seems to rush through life.  Or when he just won't fall asleep to take his naps anymore, I'm not ready for that darn it...remember I need the break.

It dawned on me today that life is passing by.  That 4 year old on the couch, kinda loves me...idolizes me actually. That one day this is what he will remember.  Not how many toys I purchased, or trips to the zoo. Not the play dates or trips to the pool.  It is this, that smile on my face that will forever mark his heart. That will make him want to come back to visit. That he will inherit one day.

So I challenged myself today that instead of doing the 30 day skinny challenge, the get organized challenge, the make time for me challenge....that I would challenge myself to the greatest one of all.  The smile challenge.

It once was said......

 

 

I believe that.  Guess What? Our kids do too:)

Am I Pitty?

 

So the school year beginning bell has rung for the Zimmers.  I'm going to come out first and say not one tear was shed by anyone but my daughter.  She had more then any one of us could have ever combined on a bad day.  I kept looking around, doing the actress tear up deal.....lets just say I can understand why Hollywood never called. I skeptically looked around for some comrades.  I think I spotted a few but never can be sure.

Something surreal happened that morning that trumped any of that.  It happened and it happened young.  My two year old daughter discovered a mirror that was laid against the wall to be hung in  her brothers room.  I witnessed the walk up. The grab of the dress on both sides.  The sway and the look up.  Then it happened.  "Am I pitty Mom?"

Double Take, holy crap....did she seriously already discover beauty was a question. I wanted to scream no not yet!!! I wanted to grab her chubby little bootiful face and kiss it hundred thirty times.  I wanted in that instant to provide her so much assurance that it would last a lifetimes of those hideous questions.

Does she secretly know the truth.  That she was headed to that place.  That "school" place where cruelness and vulnerability starts.  Where kids eventually will notice labels, pimples and all sorts of akward.  Will they make fun of her name, her smile as she squints those adorable eyes and bunches up that nose.  Will they notice that, my favorite thing about her and have her believe anything but. 

That place where she stands in the open praying someone befriends her.  Someone finds acceptance for her, someone wants to be her friend because of her heart and not her outward beauty.  Then it dawned on me how many parents are feeling the same thing.  As they hug and turn to walk away to silence, some peace.... do they have that little piece of empty in their stomachs?

I pray a lot, but I'm not sure I could ever pray more over something in my entire spiritual journey.  That God surrounds my kids with good loving nurture. That the scary place, is also filled with angels who surround them.  Waiting to bring out the strength and faith they need to withstand a cold and tarnished world.

God says in the good book by my bed, in fact every bed in my house in case of daily emergency or hiding....!   Hebrews 11:1 - 11:40 Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.  Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.  I have faith in his word, that no matter how akward, struggling, or denied at times they may be they are protected, even in my absence.  They find that place in their wee little souls that reminds them they are loved. They are accepted.  They are safe.

And we all say Amen....especially because school has begun and these angels can help a Mother out:)

Who Dey Time!

 

So as I'm planning our first annual Opening Day Bengals Blowout I thought it was only appropriate I pick my fav Bengals attire.  Hard to believe it's here already, hard to believe we are home to celebrate with the die hards like us.  Maybe section 160 won't be the same again this year:)

Happy Who Dey!!!!!

 

 

 

Meaning in the Journey

"The sooner I can accept that being Mommy means that I never go off the clock, the sooner I can find peace in this crazy stage of life."

 

Huff Post

I just turned 35 a few weeks back and you would never know it.  The outside may appear on a really good day 35, the insides feel more like pushing 90.  I literally crawl out of bed each morning and good Lord barely make it to the door. I want to run marathons I do, I just can't do it. The aches and pains gnaw at me oh another day.  I often tear up and say do I have it in me, thank God this big ole' heart I bestow keeps me plowing through.

I couldn't tell you that when I visioned being a Mom there was any of the "tough" stuff in my dreams.  All I visioned were ice cream cones, twirling in the yard and kisses lot of kisses. Never did I vision constant ice cream spills especially on new outfits, falling after a twirl in the yard blood lots of blood and tears or kisses to calm toddler tantrums.  Yet it comes with the title it does. Being older parents these days, packing them in a few short years....life is insane it just is.  Expect nothing less.

One of the hardest physical, mental, spiritual work we will ever do is in the journey of Motherhood.  I Puke and rally is no longer a game, it's reality. A Mother's work is never done and until we grasp that, throw away the time sheet, the scorecards, we will never find peace in this moment.

It's so insane the pace.  I want to take care of me, I want to keep my kid on a perfect schedule, I want to give them experiences, I want to keep my marriage healthy and happy.  I want to keep my house clean and my social calendar full.  So how do I even come close to doing this without losing my mind in the moment?

The only way I can grasp any peace in the present is from what the Lord continues to answer to me day to day.

Motherhood doesn't mean doormat, it means warrior. I've bestowed you with the most strength to carry, deliver and mold for my glory.  That is not an easy task nor will it have a small reward.  The most important job you do in this life is shaping 10 little fingers and 10 little toes.  Don't cave under pressure of the world. Keep looking up. We need strong Moms, I need strong Moms, the warriors of my name. If that means being insignificant to the world and everything to two little people so be it.  If that means having a less then perfect home, if it's lived in and happy so be it.  If it means  finding joy in your husband bathing kids together it's life.... the one I called you to.  Rejoice in it.

One of my dear friends was expecting 6 months after her first and is due to deliver any day.  I received a text from her just the other day. 

I'm physically and mentally exhausted I feel I'm walking into a fire storm soon.

Sweet Mandy wanted to say all the right things,  but friend Mandy couldn't.  I prepped her for the truth.  I armed her with reality, knowledge but also hope. Accept what is about to happen, embrace it.  There is no way you will come out unchanged.  Know who you are today, because tomorrow that girl will be a memory.  That woman will emerge. Along for the ride will be fellow patriots and the greatest friend of all above.  Keep looking up my dear friend.  There is meaning in this journey.

Life In Filter

This is my last post for Sweet Tea Darling.  This week alone I've seen and heard so many Moms struggling.  I wish we all would take a camera and tape our stories to raise awareness to Mom Overload, just so we all could feel comfort. Keep on Warriors...you are priceless!


A Life in Filter.....

So I came back downstairs tonight, straight out of bed. Almost midnight and tears coming down. Even to the point of asking myself what struck me so much about this news. After all we hear of famous stars committing suicide so many times, what is the difference with this. Could it be that on the outside Robin Williams seemed so to the contrary. Joyful and such a beautiful soul. Helping others, lover of the church. Or could it be the news on top of a dear friend who I have seen recently struggling against a pain that is far beyond any our comprehension. Or the person down the street who I spoke with who is so hard on themselves they won't even go to the park to be seen, even though she just had a child and already thinks society is judging her not perfect size 2 body.

Stories like this flood my ears and I'm open to them. I'm that person by the Grace of God who opens my arms like a caring Mother and wants to suck out every ounce of a persons pain and wear it. Just so they don't have to. It was the way I was made. To relate and mostly to empathize. Especially now when I don't have to say I'll pray for you only, I can say lets work through this together I understand.

One year ago, my life and my families lives were turned upside down in a flash when this dreaded pain struck me. Its a day I will never forget. A new Mom of a 4 month old and a 2 year old running around I was trying to keep it all together far away by ourselves. I was standing at the kitchen sink, getting dinner when it hit. A flood of adrenaline went through my body, heart pains, out of body experience that this was surely if I was dying. Although a post partum thyroid issue made me aware, now even though my thyroid is healed....the anxiety has lingered.

  No matter the cause health, situational, grief something was not healing. It was time to get real. I hid it a lot behind my health I think at times. I hid a lot behind cute Facebook pics of my kids and what I was living 9 hours away. Truth is I was lonely, scared to death and I will never forget my few neighbors and friends whom I did let in on my secret. They never gave up on me and they shared their love with me.

It took me 1 solid year because of mere shame and feelings of weakness that I finally sought help to see me through. I feel I'm finally better....mostly because ironically that year was the closest I ever became to God. Yes that is right imagine praising God, when the pain and suffering is so great you have every excuse to deny him. I wouldn't, I haven't and he has sucked me out of the depth of fear and anxiety.

You may see me today appearing to be someone far from the one I describe.  By the Grace of God I'm much better.  Yet I've been there.  Stood where you are. I still have days where I focus on my worries, where I allow myself to get overwhelmed with triggers. Lack of sleep, too much caffeine, taking on too much. Yet now I know I don't have to hide behind it anymore. The Lord is so strong in my weakness and I"m no longer ashamed. 
 

I read a quote that Robin Williams had spoke to Mila Kunis, a soon to be Mom.   “Remember this moment. Remember this because things like this don't happen very often. Remember this time."
I believe that.  The ones you may remember the most, change you completely.

 

Carry on Moms.... Most important job ever, you are doing!

Pottery Barn Bedroom Makeovers......My favs for Fall

                                                                     Stunning......

Pair with a Yellow Wall.......

                                                       Try this with a gray Wall......

      

How bout a gorgous deep burgandy or red........

Girl Power....Overrated!

Oh we are the products.  The products of the generation of do it all.  Girl Power they call it.  They raise us to conquer the world.  Climb the corporate ladder, raise 2 perfect kids, PTO President, Run 2 full marathons a year, perfectly decorated home and manage to do it all in high heels. 

So we do it. We bully our way around.  We take over the workplace, we are the strong ones in the home, the kids fear us! We find time for yoga, facebook, breastfeeding and botox. We've become the bread makers, the handymen, the spiritual leaders. It's us girls, how does that power feel?? Not sure about you but just typing it is Exhausting.

It's no surprise we also are the women breaking down.  Physically, Mentally and Spiritually.  In fact last night I watched and must admit laughed at the truth of a video that was entitled the hot crazy diagram. Ranking women on their hot and crazy scale.  Isn't that funny, yes it may be but so sad we crazy alright!!!

The truth is we can't do it all.  It wasn't designed that way.  I'm all for hobbies, outlets, success and anything else we find but what about balance.  Do we even know what that is.  I did a study of antidepressant use in the United States. 1 in 5 women are on it, 2 1/2 times that of men.  4 percent are girls ages 12-15.  Is this what we want to show are daughters as an example.  Are we setting the bar too high for perfectionism, achievement and success....more then grace, love and honor.

I find this pretty amusing I write this.  Of course I write this as a byproduct.  One that is none short of mowing the yard, cutting down tree limbs, hauling rock, cleaning toilets, all while chasing two toddlers. Oh and how bout a selfie:)  I"m insane the pace I run and guess what I'm paying for it.  In all three areas.  So I write this to relate.  To call ourselves out.  Lets stop being superwomen and let men be Superman. 

So as you all have seen the ice bucket challenge for research, lets not have to pour a bucket of ice to wake us up.  Lets look in the mirror.  Lets look at our spiritual bank account.  Lets look at our hearts. We only have one life to live, lets do it the way it was intended.

We're Back........

Well we are back in the Bluegrass.  Funny to think almost 6 years ago in 2 weeks, I was starting my first blogging experience. Bama Bound Zimmers documented our adventure moving away from home.  Remember that one? 6 years later, 6 long years later I sit here in Villa Hills scratching my head.  Asking myself what the hell just happened?

Its truly a blur.  A big big blur.  So much happened in those 6 short years that I'm not sure the confessional stand at the nearest Cathedral would buy it.  But its true no short amazing we survived and crawled out.  2 babies later, one home loved and sold, cancer battle times 3, ecoli, appendectomy, 30,000 in vet bills, lots of counseling and meds (God loved me so he gave me Lexapro) and by far my favorite the greatest love for the Lord I could have ever imagined.  I documented a lot during those days on my second blog Sweet Tea Darling.  It was my battle journal and if you were brave enough to travel with me. Thank you.

  So I look back and thank him for the trials and the friends.  Oh my sweet southern saviors.  Who taught me what a stay at home mom looked like.  What a deep soul spoke like.  What a gracious friend acted like.  They molded me. So to them they are my angels and my greatest gifts.

So now we have another home and another chapter beginning here in the great state of KY.  With two cranky curly haired cuties  running around. See we bought this home with a bar, actually two inside it.  Almost a desperate cry to either have lots of friends come around again or for pure sanity not sure which.  Only thing I can think of is Mimosas lots of Mimosas:)  Don't judge stay at home Moms work is never done.

Cash is turning 4 next week and is crazy as they get, but started sports this week and I have to admit insanely good.  I think we have an outlet for the aggression.  Presley sweet Princess Presley is learning so much these days.  Talking up a storm and hitting her 2's.  The verdict is out for her, though she is extremely into gloss, purses and iphones.  We do know she will be expensive. Did I mention Daddy kept his same job, praise God for that:)

A lot in our life is lighter these days.  Partially because we mentally challenged ourselves to be no other along with less ER visits.  So in starting our new journey its time for some new words.  We hope to make you laugh, inspire and show a little part of our new joy through our blog. Meltdowns and Momosas, can I get a heck yeah from my Moms out there!  Lets do this:)