A Life in Filter.....
So I came back downstairs tonight, straight out of bed. Almost midnight and tears coming down. Even to the point of asking myself what struck me so much about this news. After all we hear of famous stars committing suicide so many times, what is the difference with this. Could it be that on the outside Robin Williams seemed so to the contrary. Joyful and such a beautiful soul. Helping others, lover of the church. Or could it be the news on top of a dear friend who I have seen recently struggling against a pain that is far beyond any our comprehension. Or the person down the street who I spoke with who is so hard on themselves they won't even go to the park to be seen, even though she just had a child and already thinks society is judging her not perfect size 2 body.
Stories like this flood my ears and I'm open to them. I'm that person by the Grace of God who opens my arms like a caring Mother and wants to suck out every ounce of a persons pain and wear it. Just so they don't have to. It was the way I was made. To relate and mostly to empathize. Especially now when I don't have to say I'll pray for you only, I can say lets work through this together I understand.
One year ago, my life and my families lives were turned upside down in a flash when this dreaded pain struck me. Its a day I will never forget. A new Mom of a 4 month old and a 2 year old running around I was trying to keep it all together far away by ourselves. I was standing at the kitchen sink, getting dinner when it hit. A flood of adrenaline went through my body, heart pains, out of body experience that this was surely if I was dying. Although a post partum thyroid issue made me aware, now even though my thyroid is healed....the anxiety has lingered.
No matter the cause health, situational, grief something was not healing. It was time to get real. I hid it a lot behind my health I think at times. I hid a lot behind cute Facebook pics of my kids and what I was living 9 hours away. Truth is I was lonely, scared to death and I will never forget my few neighbors and friends whom I did let in on my secret. They never gave up on me and they shared their love with me.
It took me 1 solid year because of mere shame and feelings of weakness that I finally sought help to see me through. I feel I'm finally better....mostly because ironically that year was the closest I ever became to God. Yes that is right imagine praising God, when the pain and suffering is so great you have every excuse to deny him. I wouldn't, I haven't and he has sucked me out of the depth of fear and anxiety.
You may see me today appearing to be someone far from the one I describe. By the Grace of God I'm much better. Yet I've been there. Stood where you are. I still have days where I focus on my worries, where I allow myself to get overwhelmed with triggers. Lack of sleep, too much caffeine, taking on too much. Yet now I know I don't have to hide behind it anymore. The Lord is so strong in my weakness and I"m no longer ashamed.
Stories like this flood my ears and I'm open to them. I'm that person by the Grace of God who opens my arms like a caring Mother and wants to suck out every ounce of a persons pain and wear it. Just so they don't have to. It was the way I was made. To relate and mostly to empathize. Especially now when I don't have to say I'll pray for you only, I can say lets work through this together I understand.
One year ago, my life and my families lives were turned upside down in a flash when this dreaded pain struck me. Its a day I will never forget. A new Mom of a 4 month old and a 2 year old running around I was trying to keep it all together far away by ourselves. I was standing at the kitchen sink, getting dinner when it hit. A flood of adrenaline went through my body, heart pains, out of body experience that this was surely if I was dying. Although a post partum thyroid issue made me aware, now even though my thyroid is healed....the anxiety has lingered.
No matter the cause health, situational, grief something was not healing. It was time to get real. I hid it a lot behind my health I think at times. I hid a lot behind cute Facebook pics of my kids and what I was living 9 hours away. Truth is I was lonely, scared to death and I will never forget my few neighbors and friends whom I did let in on my secret. They never gave up on me and they shared their love with me.
It took me 1 solid year because of mere shame and feelings of weakness that I finally sought help to see me through. I feel I'm finally better....mostly because ironically that year was the closest I ever became to God. Yes that is right imagine praising God, when the pain and suffering is so great you have every excuse to deny him. I wouldn't, I haven't and he has sucked me out of the depth of fear and anxiety.
You may see me today appearing to be someone far from the one I describe. By the Grace of God I'm much better. Yet I've been there. Stood where you are. I still have days where I focus on my worries, where I allow myself to get overwhelmed with triggers. Lack of sleep, too much caffeine, taking on too much. Yet now I know I don't have to hide behind it anymore. The Lord is so strong in my weakness and I"m no longer ashamed.
I read a quote that Robin Williams had spoke to Mila Kunis, a soon to be Mom. “Remember this moment. Remember this because things like this don't happen very often. Remember this time."
I believe that. The ones you may remember the most, change you completely.
I believe that. The ones you may remember the most, change you completely.
Carry on Moms.... Most important job ever, you are doing!
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